The final primal need is that of Love and Sexuality or, to be more precise, Love with Sexuality. (The first part of this series is here: Preventing Our Children From Developing Demons (And Healing Our Own).)
Those people who have experienced lack during the development of their other primal needs do not fully move into this stage.
1. Those people who have Connection issues struggle to be authentic and emotionally connected in their sexuality.
2. Those people who have Attunement issues struggle to move beyond their need for nurturing – as if they are still a small child.
3. Those people who have Trust issues tend to be dominant and controlling, and are incapable of mutual healthy relationships.
4. Those people who have Autonomy issues struggle to be authentic and set appropriate boundaries, they see relationships as traps.
Problems with Love with Sexuality develop during times of sexual awakening and the development of self-awareness: between the ages of four and six; and during puberty at, say, 12 to 15.
Those people, who have had their other primal needs largely met but issues have arisen at these core ages, show the characteristics of lack in Love with Sexuality. They tend to be highly energetic, attractive and successful. They appear self-confident but their sense of self is conditional upon their appearance and (latest) performance/achievement, yet inside they feel deeply flawed.
When there have been issues Love with Sexuality one of two sub-types tends to emerge.
1. The Romantic Subtype: Open-hearted but disconnected from their sexuality they struggle to integrate sexuality with developing and deepening love. Their sexual feelings diminish over time. They may even become the moral guardians of society as they have disconnected from their sexual impulses.
2. The Sexual Subtype: People with these issues seek out attractive partners for the purposes of bolstering their own sense of self. They don’t use sex for power as those with Trust issues do but use it to avoid any real emotional connection with another. They focus on conquest and performance rather than love. They often break contact with anyone with whom they might develop a true heart connection, instead they prefer sex with strangers – constantly seeking sexual satisfaction that their rigid bodies cannot allow them to fully experience.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Shame-Based Identity: (What they feel inside but would hate anyone else to know.)
Feeling unloved and unlovable.
Pride-Based Identity: (What they show to the world.)
“I will never let anyone hurt me again.”
Reject first rather than risk being rejected.
Sense of self based on appearance and image.
Perfect, seamless, flawless.
Love that is based on looks and performance is not love at all.
Perfectionist – Impossibly high standards for self and others.
Hard on selves when fail to live up to their high-standards.
Continually orientated toward self-improvement
Drawn to activities that make their already hardened bodies -harder. (Plastic surgery/Intense and long work-outs)
Mistake admiration for love.
Difficulty experiencing love and sexuality together – once deeper love develops in relationships sexuality shuts down.
Difficulty maintaining relationships
Sexually acting out or prime and prudish.
Self-righteous, judgmental, stiff with pride.
Driven, compulsive, black and white thinking.
Doing focussed rather than feeling and being.
Sex is main way of being in touch with their bodies.
Seductive and then rejecting, will always reject first.
Sexual conquests determine their sense of sexual desirability.
Afraid to open their hearts.
Fear of surrender and own vulnerability.
Although these people look great on the outside, they have experienced intense rejection and hurt. They tend to question if they can ever love or be properly loved.