Primal Need Five: Love WITH Sexuality

The final primal need is that of Love and Sexuality or, to be more precise, Love with Sexuality. (The first part of this series is here: Preventing Our Children From Developing Demons (And Healing Our Own).)



Those people who have experienced lack during the development of their other primal needs do not fully move into this stage.

1. Those people who have Connection issues struggle to be authentic and emotionally connected in their sexuality.

2. Those people who have Attunement issues struggle to move beyond their need for nurturing – as if they are still a small child.

3. Those people who have Trust issues tend to be dominant and controlling, and are incapable of mutual healthy relationships.

4. Those people who have Autonomy issues struggle to be authentic and set appropriate boundaries, they see relationships as traps.

Problems with Love with Sexuality develop during times of sexual awakening and the development of self-awareness: between the ages of four and six; and during puberty at, say, 12 to 15.

Those people, who have had their other primal needs largely met but issues have arisen at these core ages, show the characteristics of lack in Love with Sexuality. They tend to be highly energetic, attractive and successful. They appear self-confident but their sense of self is conditional upon their appearance and (latest) performance/achievement, yet inside they feel deeply flawed.

When there have been issues Love with Sexuality one of two sub-types tends to emerge.

1. The Romantic Subtype: Open-hearted but disconnected from their sexuality they struggle to integrate sexuality with developing and deepening love. Their sexual feelings diminish over time. They may even become the moral guardians of society as they have disconnected from their sexual impulses.

2. The Sexual Subtype: People with these issues seek out attractive partners for the purposes of bolstering their own sense of self. They don’t use sex for power as those with Trust issues do but use it to avoid any real emotional connection with another. They focus on conquest and performance rather than love. They often break contact with anyone with whom they might develop a true heart connection, instead they prefer sex with strangers – constantly seeking sexual satisfaction that their rigid bodies cannot allow them to fully experience.

Core Fear:

There is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Shame-Based Identity: (What they feel inside but would hate anyone else to know.)




Feeling unloved and unlovable.

Pride-Based Identity: (What they show to the world.)

“I will never let anyone hurt me again.”

Reject first rather than risk being rejected.

Sense of self based on appearance and image.

Perfect, seamless, flawless.


Love that is based on looks and performance is not love at all.

Behavioural Characteristics:

Perfectionist – Impossibly high standards for self and others.

Hard on selves when fail to live up to their high-standards.

Continually orientated toward self-improvement

Drawn to activities that make their already hardened bodies -harder. (Plastic surgery/Intense and long work-outs)

Mistake admiration for love.

Difficulty experiencing love and sexuality together – once deeper love develops in relationships sexuality shuts down.

Difficulty maintaining relationships

Sexually acting out or prime and prudish.

Self-righteous, judgmental, stiff with pride.

Driven, compulsive, black and white thinking.

Doing focussed rather than feeling and being.

Sex is main way of being in touch with their bodies.

Seductive and then rejecting, will always reject first.

Sexual conquests determine their sense of sexual desirability.

Afraid to open their hearts.


Fear of surrender and own vulnerability.

Although these people look great on the outside, they have experienced intense rejection and hurt. They tend to question if they can ever love or be properly loved.

About Karyn @ kloppenmum

kloppenmum is me, Karyn Van Der Zwet, mother of three and ex-teacher. I'm part of a revolution in parenting, with the aim to raise mature (not sophisticated) and self-assured children. I also know some stuff about adults. I have also had articles printed in The Journal for The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (Children and Young People) and the US parenting magazine, Pathways to Family Wellness, as well I regularly write for World Moms Blog (named as one of the Forbes 100 most useful blogs for women 2012 &2013). You can follow me on facebook (kloppenmum) pinterest (Karyn at Kloppenmum) and twitter (@kloppenmum). I'm also vaguely on LinkedIn (Karyn Van Der Zwet). Thanks to Joe (Mr Hare) for taking the photo. Cheers, son: xxxx.
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8 Responses to Primal Need Five: Love WITH Sexuality

  1. Marcy says:

    These are the bits that stood out for me:

    “1. Those people who have Connection issues struggle to be authentic and emotionally connected in their sexuality.

    2. Those people who have Attunement issues struggle to move beyond their need for nurturing – as if they are still a small child.”

    Particularly that last one — are there really people who don’t need nurturing any more? Or not as much? Goodness… how does one work on that?

  2. It’s more that the needs not met in childhood have lingered, Marcy. We all need nurturing and emotional connection but those with Attunement issues tend to have residual ones as well and can be clingy and intrusive. Attunement is one of my shadows and I know I have been like this in the past.

    • Marcy says:

      As I said to a friend this evening:

      I want to feel loved, safe, enfolded, embraced, utterly welcome, no need to stop, to pull back, to leave. That’s the ultimate. That’s not the nature of [this relationship]. But… it offers some of that. And part of the struggle is to accept and receive the good, limited as it is, without pining for the rest that I can’t have, and without pushing the boundaries, which isn’t respectful.

      • That is definitely the struggle – the weighing up of the ideal against the reality and making sense of and accepting the lack of deep connection and sense of safety. I work hard to keep my energy focussed on identifying and pursuing as much joy as I can for myself, in any way I can, and that seems to help.

        • Marcy says:

          I wrote this haiku the other day:

          Now with gratitude
          Let me mourn all that is not
          And bless all that is

          I need to balance the two — to really allow myself to fully mourn and grieve, AND to look for things to appreciate and nourishing things to pursue / make good use of. I tend to contradict either way — when I am feeling down I tend too quickly to try to turn it around, and when I am feeling good I tend too quickly to remember all that disappoints.

    • Marcy says:

      Are there things besides therapy one can do to deal with those residual needs?

      • I don’t know, Marcy. The tension gets locked in our vicera and muscles so releasing that could be helpful? I have been going to acupuncture and that has helped release some stuff for me. Massage would be the other option, I guess.

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